Forgiving Yourself
by Zebrastreifen
Summary: "When Amanda's empty stare met with the woman's caring brown eyes, she froze. Of course! Roughly eight point five million people live in New York City, but the one person she'd bash into face-forward had to be Liv. What were the odds of that?" **** Post 16x10 / "Forgiving Rollins", obviously... My birthday - your present! Please R&R! ****
**_A/N: I have recently watched "Forgiving Rollins" (16x10) for the first time and couldn't help but write this. Although I had planned on telling Amanda's side of the story, the whole Harris/Lewis thing just sort of happened... I think it fits, but if you disagree, please let me know!_ **

* * *

**Forgiving Herself**

Amanda Rollins was running. To any bystanders, it might have looked like she was running as in _going for a run_. As in _running for fitness_. Running _for the sake of running._ Running _to clear her head._ But then again, the average New York City bystander wasn't paying attention.

She'd been running for almost two hours now – had stopped a few times to catch a breath, but then continued. Had sprinted. Jogged. Power-walked. Then sprinted again.

It was as dark as _the city that never sleeps_ could get, and the cold January air should have chilled her to the bone by now, but Amanda didn't care. She was fine – as long as she didn't stop running. Because then, she'd start thinking again. Or – even worse – feeling. So she ran. As in _running away_.

What remained was the latent pain of knowing that she was running away from something that was in her own head. Something that would never go away, no matter how far she ran. Something she couldn't possibly run away from.

Maybe the association of " _running to clear her head_ " had been true up until half an hour ago, when she had taken her last break to just cry – without anyone noticing or caring. Now, her mind was completely blank. She wasn't thinking anymore. Wasn't feeling. Just running.

Running  
and running  
and running.

Until she suddenly collided with something – or rather someone – and was completely knocked off balance. Stumbling, Amanda steadied herself at the wall of a building vaguely familiar to her. Looking up, she saw a woman with a stroller – the woman she had – quite literally – ran into while cutting around the corner without looking. When Amanda's empty stare met with the woman's caring brown eyes, she froze.

Of course! Roughly eight point five million people live in New York City, but the one person she'd bash into face-forward _had to be_ Liv. What were the odds of that?

Amanda pushed that thought aside as she'd been doing it with anything gambling-related for the past year. Not that it mattered, though. Not that _anything_ mattered anymore after today. She was just about to turn around and run off when Liv's voice tore through the awkward silence.

"Amanda? Why don't you come upstairs for a minute? You must be freezing!"  
Upstairs? The blonde frowned for an instant until she realized why the apartment building looked so familiar to her – Olivia lived here. If the cold hadn't been nagging at her for the past two hours, and if Amanda's mind hadn't been completely blank by now, she might have wondered whether some twisted part of her subconscious had led her here on purpose. But all she was capable of right now was a passive shrug while staring at her superior with dangerously empty eyes. Amanda was numb. She didn't even object when her sergeant gently placed a glove-covered hand on her lower back and guided her inside.

It was when the door closed behind her and she helplessly turned towards Olivia that their eyes briefly met. The look on the sergeant's face was oh so caring and gentle it sent a shiver down Amanda's spine, and she couldn't help but wonder how she could have let it get this bad.

* * *

"Please talk to me"  
Amanda flinched at the gentleness of Olivia's voice and wrapped the blanket tighter around her body. Olivia had put Noah to bed while her younger colleague had taken a shower. Now, Amanda was cocooned into a woolen blanket, wearing Liv's NYPD sweats, snuggled into the very corner of Olivia's couch while the brunette was sitting on its other end, careful not to touch the blonde, not wanting to upset her any further.

Amanda pressed her lips together. She'd bumped into Liv more than half an hour ago, but had still not spoken a word. She knew it wasn't fair, knew it certainly wasn't _healthy_ , but she just couldn't talk right now – mostly because she was scared that if she started, she wouldn't stop. And Olivia was her sergeant, after all. She wasn't supposed to know _any_ of this, but that choice had been taken away from her. _Everyone_ knew about Patton. _Everyone._ How was she ever supposed to face her colleagues again? Could she even stay at 1-6? Could she stay in New York? And if not, where else could she go?

For the past five years, Amanda had forced herself to keep it all inside so _no one_ would ever know – _no one_ would ever look at her the way Liv was looking at her right now. Yes, she'd messed up badly before – the drinking, the debt, the double-shifts after having spent the whole night gambling her feelings away – but aside from that, she had at least _seemed_ okay. And now? Now she was just a shivering, pathetic mess on her sergeant's couch.

* * *

The sound of Olivia's voice tore Amanda out of her thoughts: "Peppermint or black tea?" Amanda frowned. "Huh?"  
"I said: Peppermint or black tea? These are the only two kinds that I have, and I don't think coffee or alcohol are a good idea right now. So… Peppermint or black tea?" The blonde sighed involuntarily. As if that mattered! But when she looked up for a brief moment and met her superior's concerned, caring expression, she understood. This was Liv's cop-y backdoor approach of getting her to talk without explicitly talking about _today_. And annoyingly, it worked.

"Peppermint" Amanda whispered, and Liv gave her a weak smile before disappearing out of her sight, rummaging through some cabinets. A few minutes later, Olivia came back and placed two tea cups on the side table before sitting down on the couch. "The mug is pretty hot." She clarified unnecessarily, and Amanda nodded absentmindedly. This time, it didn't take quite as long for the silence between them to become unbearable.

"How can I help?" Liv asked softly, and the genuine concern in her voice broke Amanda's heart. She should have never agreed to come upstairs. Should have stayed away from Liv's whole neighborhood! But what was the alternative? If she weren't sitting on her sergeant's couch right now, she'd either be passed-out-drunk in some bar or halfway in Atlantic City by now. Or worse.

Amanda reached for her steaming mug and ran the tip of her finger around its rim, buying time. It took her a moment to bring up the courage to speak, and when she finally did, her voice was barely a whisper: "You're helping, Liv" She hesitated, unsure whether she should elaborate on that or now. But what was the point of holding back now that _everything else_ had already come to light? Amanda let out a defeated sigh. "Being… here… is probably the safest place for me right now"

Liv's eyes widened. If it had only been this statement, she probably wouldn't have worried so much, but combined with the emptiness in her eyes? "Amanda? Were you… _are you_ thinking of hurting yourself?" Amanda jolted upright. "What? No! I…" She gulped when she realized Liv's concern wasn't too unfounded. After all, it depended on her definition of _hurting herself_ … The blonde bit her lip, visibly conflicted, and Olivia just waited patiently, knowing that Amanda needed time.

"I don't trust myself" She whispered after a while, and once again, Liv knew better than to interrupt her. "I… I feel like…" Another sigh. "I don't even know what I'm feeling, Liv! How stupid is that? I don't feel _anything_ but then again, I feel so much that it's just completely overwhelming! The only thing I _am_ sure of is that I didn't want you to know. That I didn't want _anyone_ to know!"

If Liv was surprised at Amanda's sudden outburst, she didn't show it. Instead, she calmly asked: "Why?" At first, Amanda shrugged, but after a while, the words just came out: "Because as long as no one knew my side of the story, I could convince myself that nothing happened?" Amanda hadn't even realized she had phrased it as a question, and she immediately dismissed her explanation with a shrug. Who was she kidding? For the past five years, she'd been hurting. A lot! The fact that no one but her had known why hadn't made it any more bearable. Quite the opposite, actually.

"Because I'm scared y'all will think less of me now that you know…" She finally admitted, feeling too ashamed and vulnerable to look Olivia in the eyes. The brunette sighed.  
"Amanda? Let me ask you something: Do you think any less of me since… Lewis?"  
The blonde's eyes widened. "No! Of course not!"  
"Do you think what he did was my fault?"  
Vigorous head-shaking.

"Why not?"  
"Because he kidnapped you, Liv! He _hurt_ you!"  
"So did Patton" Olivia commented bluntly, and once again, Amanda shook her head.  
"No! That's not the same! I walked into it. Willingly!"  
"So did I. I lost my protective detail and drove to an abandoned site in the middle of nowhere to meet with a psychopathic rapist and murderer"

Amanda knew Liv was just trying to provoke her – it wasn't necessarily _what_ she was saying, but _how_. A verbal ping-pong-match to bring her out of her shell. Amanda knew where this was headed. Liv wanted her to forgive herself by showing her that none of what had happened in Atlanta had been her fault. But it just _wasn't_ the same! Not even close! Right?

"You only did it to save that little girl!" Amanda argued weakly.  
"… and _you_ did it to protect your little sister. What he did to you wasn't your fault! You didn't have a choice when Patton propositioned you, and you certainly didn't have a choice when that bastard _raped_ you, Amanda!"

"STOP IT!"  
Olivia was caught off guard by the harshness and desperation in Amanda's voice. Had she crossed the line? Had she unknowingly pushed her beyond her breaking point? Should she apologize? Or not say anything? Before Liv had made up her mind, Amanda spoke again:

"I should know better" Her voice was only a sad whisper, and Liv's first impulse was to repeat that what Patton had done to her was _not_ her fault. But then she noticed the wording. _I should know better._ Present tense. Not _should have known_ better, but _should know_ better. So she kept her mouth shut and gave Amanda a questioning look.

"I'm an SVU detective. I've heard all this self-blame a million times. And I've told _all the vics_ that it wasn't _their_ fault – that _they_ haven't done anything wrong!"  
"… but there's this little voice in the back of your head telling you that your situation was different?" Olivia offered, and Amanda nodded weakly.  
"I get it." Liv started after a while. "Just because _intellectually_ , you know it wasn't your fault, doesn't mean that it feels like it. But that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. And it doesn't mean you're a hypocrite or a bad detective or a liar or whatever it is that you think about yourself."  
"… but I didn't even report it! I could have at least stopped him from doing it again! What he did to Reese was on me!"  
Olivia vigorously shook her head. "That's not true, Amanda. You said it yourself: No one in Atlanta believed you. I'm so sorry for what you went through, but it wasn't your fault!"

When the blonde didn't respond, Olivia continued: "'Manda… Have we ever told any of our victims that they have to testify for _our_ sake? To help _us_ build a case? I'd never guilt _anyone_ into pressing charges. That's not what SVU is about. All I ever tell the vics is that if they don't stand up for themselves now, they might regret it later on. If they decide they don't want to testify, it's their choice. And as much as I want to hunt the perps down and make them pay for what they've done, I'd never judge anyone for choosing not to go through the pain of a trial!"  
"But how can I keep working for SVU and encourage victims to take the stand if _I_ didn't do it myself? How can I expect _any of you_ to take me seriously?"

The tremor in Amanda's voice sickened Liv. _Oh god._ Was she afraid she'd lose her job because of the revelations of the past days?

"No one's gonna think any less of you because of what Patton did!"  
"How can you not? Even _I_ think less of me!"

Olivia took a deep breath. "I get it, 'Manda. Believe me – I really do. I've been an SVU detective for over fifteen years, and trust me: I've been at the point where I was convinced I didn't deserve being in this unit. And that everyone would agree _if they only knew_." She took another deep breath before she continued: "I was… sexually assaulted a few years ago when I was UC. And for the first couple of months afterwards, I didn't tell _anyone_ because I didn't want them to think I wasn't capable of defending myself."

"But eventually, you did?" Amanda asked, and Liv sighed.  
"Yes. Because I was having panic attacks and flashbacks and pointed a gun at a suspect while I was shaking and completely non-responsive…"

Amanda bit her lip, caught off guard by Liv's revelation.  
"What… what happened next?"  
"I got help."

The blonde rolled her eyes. So it was that easy, huh? Was that the intro to a sob story of how much Liv regretted that she hadn't _gotten justice for herself_ by not reporting it and letting this guy get away scot-free for what he'd done to her? Noticing the conflicted look on Amanda's face, Liv hesitated, contemplating whether what was on her mind was something she wanted to get out for her own or for Amanda's sake. Both, she finally decided. "Even now… If Lewis had… raped me, I don't know whether I would have told anyone." Amanda's eyes widened, clearly shocked by her superior's confession.

"The first time he… had me, I provoked him. I _teased_ him. Told him he didn't have the guts to rape a _real woman_. And I told myself that I was in control. That I did it to make him angry, knowing that way, he was more likely to make a mistake. But truth is, I was terrified. Because deep down, I knew if he _actually…_ did anything to me, I would give him exactly what he wanted. I know I would have struggled. Would have screamed. I would have… cried…"

Olivia took a deep breath, but it wasn't enough to keep her tears in check. Although her vision was blurred, she didn't hold back though. In a way, Amanda had a right to see her like this. Had a right to know that even _badass Benson_ sometimes cried. Had a right to see that it was okay not to be okay. So Olivia just continued, not even bothering to hide the trembling in her voice.

"He had me chained to a bed and all I could think about was that if he raped me and… died, I wouldn't tell anyone. I kept fantasizing about someone finding me. That someone would take him out in a good shooting – or even a bad shooting, for that matter! – before he'd have a chance to say anything. So I could just say nothing happened and everyone would believe me. And for the past months, I've hated myself just for _considering_ it. So I think I get it. But all this fear and guilt and shame you're feeling right now is something you can work through. And I want you to know that you're not alone, Amanda. Do you hear me? We're here for you. _I'm_ here for you. And I mean it."

Olivia paused, then boldly shifted a few feet closer to Amanda's end of the couch, thereby offering a hint of physical closeness without actually touching her.

"'Manda… if everything that happened to me doesn't make _me_ less of a detective, or less of a _person_ , then the same applies to you!"

Once again, neither of them spoke. But this time, Amanda wasn't holding back. She just didn't have anything to say. "It's not so much about _others_ forgiving you - it's about you forgiving _yourself_!" Olivia added. And when Amanda realized it was true, the urge to run suddenly subsided.

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 ** _Just for the record: This is yet another oneshot, so "following" this story won't help, but reviews really make my day. Speaking of which: Today's my birthday (05/20 - Germany is at least 6 hours ahead of the US...), and a whole bunch of favs and reviews would be the perfect present - don't you think?_ **


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